MUD AND MAYHEM

Its autumn again.  I always know because all the apples fall off the trees (and there is a tree very near our field!). The fortunate few get to come in every night and stay warm in the stables.  When the wrinklies bought me they wanted a pony that could stay out all year round (less work for them of course) but moved me to a yard where I have to come in every night.  Oh dear – what a shame – I said.  I will just have to struggle along with the large hay net I get every night and the lack of wind, rain and mud.  To make matters worse I am turned out during the day with Blackjack who has to stay out at night.  This tends to lead to a bit of a “situation” at the gate each evening when I come in to my tea.  He is fairly reasonable about it as he does get another friend to play with for the night.  However, the fact that I shout – “Oh she will be coming for ME I think” when my Mum appears probably doesn’t help.

I was happily settling into my autumn routine when a very annoying thing happened. 

It does get quite a lot colder in winter and so I have this built in system to keep me warm.  It is quite complicated and I do take it very seriously. First of all I grow lots and lots of really warm fur that keeps the wind out.  There is a special bit under my chest that is especially furry.  Then I grow my mane and tail even longer and the hair grows right round my tail not just on the top of my dock.  My mane is so long it goes to below my shoulders. This works a treat.  My neck under my mane is always very warm.  Then I fill the fur full of grease and oil (that does seem to happen automatically but I do think about it a lot).  That even keeps the rain out. Once the fur is in place I find the muddiest part of the field and roll in it until there is mud all over the fur even on the sides of my face and in my mane and tail.  It is amazing how warm mud is.  You should try it!  This method also has the added advantage that the wrinklies daren’t take me anywhere as it would be too embarrassing.   I come in with lumps of mud and dead vegetation hanging off my mane and forelock  and I make sure my  bottom is muddy as well. At night I lie on the poo in my stable so that goes on top of the mud to make an even thicker layer.  As you can probably imagine it takes about a month to get all this right and a lot of effort.

Toby makes very little effort.  He wines and shivers until his Mum buys him lots and lots of rugs and then insists on wearing up to three at once to keep the cold out!  How lazy is that?  He even hangs onto what little winter coat he has until July and then starts growing the next one in August!  I throw my coat very quickly in the spring and the birds love my warm fur so much they sit on my back and pull it out for me.  They use it to line their nests I think.

Last week I had got it just how I want it.  I was filthy and there were big clumps of mud hanging off my mane and tail and a long piece of dead thistle half way along the mane as well.  I looked a picture.

Then the very annoying thing  happened.  Toby’s mum re-appeared.  She and Toby went away about a month ago and said they had lots of exams to do.  When she appears unexpectedly it means one of two things – either a bath or a competition.  This was even worse as it was both.  All my good work was going to waste.  By Saturday afternoon and after only three solid hours she and my mum had got me clean – no mud at all – they even got all the dead vegetation out of my mane and the dreadlocks were gone too.  I was furious.  They did put a rug on me to try and cheer me up and to be fair my dad had spent the afternoon customising my stable.  There was a brand new red salt lick, a rubber scratching mat on the wall and a red ball that turned round and round and had a blue treat inside that I was supposed to lick.  I was in no mood for licking!  The bandit mask was put on to try and keep the dirt off my face and away they went leaving me plotting the way forward.  To make matters worse my stable companions Crystal and Sov lost no opportunity to tell me how muddy they were (which wasn’t even true as they are thoroughbred and not really in my league when it comes to dirt).  They also told me the bandit mask looked stupid and all the others would laugh at me.  It was not a good night!

I got my own back with the wrinklies to some extent by getting the red salt all over my nose on one said and the blue treat all over my nose on the other side.  My muzzle was the only bit of me that wasn’t covered up!  Toby’s mum set about scrubbing off even those minor marks when the trailer appeared.  Now I do like the trailer because it saves me having to walk anywhere.  However, it generally takes me somewhere that is holding a competition  and I have to work hard.

Fortunately I noticed that my mum was wearing riding gear.  This is always a good sign as she can only walk and trot so I don’t have to work that hard.  However, my dad was wearing his gear as well so that meant two tests to master. 

We arrived at one of my favourite places as the grass is very tasty and there are really cool mirrors to look at in the school.  The surfaces are very comfy for your feet and sometimes they take pictures of you so I feel really special.  I gather sometimes you even get to dress up (Toby told me that) so I am hoping for a chance to go as the Mud Monster – at least that’s what they call me sometimes!

I warmed up a bit (well as much as you can when your rider is 52 and easy going) and then Toby’s mum told my mum to get on with it.  She did her best but I knew once we were in the arena her nerve would give out and I could motorbike as normal.  That went according to plan and then it was time for my Dad’s test.  He was in the dog house at that point as he had forgotten to call the test for my Mum as he was too busy learning his own.  Fortunately the lady who runs the centre stepped into the breach to avoid my Mum’s senior moments spoiling the fun.  My Dad warmed me up properly but this wore him out so I thought my best plan was to do the test in my special “Do I have to” mode.  In order to see myself properly in the mirrors I have to look up quite a lot  as well so I knew this was not going to be my best test ever. 

Finally it was back to the trailer which gave me plenty of time to plan my revenge.  This was pay back time as far as I was concerned.  We got back home and I was turned out again.

I strolled around the field and soon had the first layer of mud back on but I was very hungry after all my hard work.  I was brought in at tea time by my Mum and told what a good boy I was (as if I didn’t know) and then I was left to sleep off the effects of the day.

 After a large hay net and a couple of hours solid kip I was ready for action.  You need to know that at the weekend all the owners make up the meals for the following week to save time later on and so there is a lot of food in sight of my stable.  They also store some of the  haylage right outside my door and haylage smells delicious.  To add insult to injury my Mum had told Sov’s Mum only the previous evening that I love haylage but wasn’t going to get any!!!!!!!!!!!!! I distinctly heard Sov’s Mum say that if my Mum wanted to borrow things she could.  Well you only have to put two and two together or rather one hungry pony and one bag of haylage!

So after a few seconds undoing the top bolt and tapping very gently on the bottom one I decided to go and “borrow” some food.  I then processed it and left the digested remains just outside Sov’s door so she could have it back again!  It was a bit annoying as I could not get my nose in the buckets my mum uses for my feeds as they are too narrow.  I just concentrated on trashing the place and eating the haylage and other feeds. 

It was bliss and I was soon feeling pretty full.  I knew there would be a major telling off when the wrinklies found out.  Sure enough I had to stand in the naughty corner for ages whilst my dad tidied up as best he could and there was no tea for me either.  He rang my mum to tell her how bad I had been He told me to apologise but I only managed a loud burp down the phone which didn’t really help.  They said my carrot money is going to be spent on replacing all the things I ate so if you could send me the odd carrot I’d be very grateful.

They even told me that some people really like baths and enjoy diving in and getting clean.  I did notice Blackjack get in the water trough one day so perhaps getting clean isn’t quite as unpleasant as I seem to think.  I heard a lot of muttering about how much work it is cleaning up after me so I wonder if there are any more little helpers around.  I know Sov has got one who really enjoys helping and he complains a lot less than my Dad! 

So I feel honours are equal again.  If you are wondering how the competition went I did really well apparently.  I got a lovely pink rosette and my Mum said I beat thousands of others,  the only odd thing is she said that all the ones I beat didn’t show up! 

Yours triumphantly

Teri the Mud Monster!!